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A lifetime of gratitude

November 4, 2013 / / 1 Comment

“If the world is night, shine my life like a light.” -Emily Saliers
For those on social media, we are seeing a lot about a month of gratitude. Folks are taking the opportunity each day to openly express what they are grateful for. I have loved reading my friends little moments of gratitude – many of which are the beautiful little, everyday things we often take for granted. But this also has me thinking: Why is it counter cultural to express our gratitude?
When we choose whom to surround ourselves with we are more likely to choose happy, positive people. It’s just human nature to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good. As someone who sometimes struggles with how I am perceived by new folks, I am especially cognizant of this tendency. I recognize it in myself, too – I want to be around people who help me see the blessings in life. So I wonder – if we are more prone to choose happiness in our relationships, why do we find it difficult to share the magical moments of joy as freely as we share annoyances?
It seems to me that it has become societally intolerable to express these gratitudes because we don’t want to be perceived as braggarts.  We want to be seen as humble and to do that we downplay our sparkle and in doing so we grow scales over our eyes that eventually obstruct our ability to see the wonder and blessing that is always around us. When we intentionally strive to fit in through mediocrity, we become more attune to the negativity around us. When we feel embarrassed about proclaiming awe and gratitude for fear of how others will interpret it, we eventually stop noticing those things all together.
This month of gratitude is a lovely invitation to remind ourselves of how blessed we are. It is permission to boldly recognize and name the gifts we receive on a daily basis – and in doing so, maybe we can walk into the next month with our vision restored and our hearts unburdened. What if we all tried, not just for a month, but in our lives to name a gratitude each and every day? How would that not only change others’ perception of us, but our own perception of ourselves?  And, once that perception is changed, will we become more likely to try and share the beauty of the world with others?
Openly expressing gratitude is a simple, first step toward boldly adding sparkle to the world. (And you all know how I feel about sparkle.) So keep it coming. Whether through social media, personal interactions, or quietly in prayer – recognizing and expressing our gratitude can help us to see the light and seeing that light will help us to reflect that light into the shadowy places of the world.
Sparkle on, my friends.

The Theology of Baseball

October 29, 2013 / / 0 Comments

I’ve heard it said that Fenway Park is the “Largest House of Prayer in Boston.” This week, more than usual, all eyes have turned to this cathedral of sorts as our hometown boys take on the Cardinals for yet another series. People from all walks of life have come to Fenway to celebrate and cheer as they collectively hold their breath with each swing of the bat. It’s the ultimate fellowship forum. For folks who may not have much else in common, during the post season we have common ground that brings us together.
Common ground is hard to come-by these days. We’ve just emerged after a sixteen-day government shutdown into a couple weeks with even more horrific school violence and natural disasters around the world claiming lives. We need something to root for. Regardless of which team we cheer on, (obviously you all root for the Sox…) having something fun to cheer for helps us when we must dive back into the trenches and face what is happening in the world. Baseball doesn’t make the rest of the world go away, but it brings us together to watch something fun and to hope for a little while.
What is it we see when we watch this “All-American Game?” We see a group of people whose collective purpose is to help one another come home. The entire purpose of the game of baseball is to get back to the place where it all started. When you are home you are protected. When you are home you are finally safe. There is no place else on the field where you experience that kind of safety. But, in order to come back home, you must first go out. You must use the gift of your physical form to go out into the field and to visit different places. While you are there, you will encounter different types of people and have conversations. You will have to watch what is happening around you and discern when it’s the right time to move to another place. Some things will help you get where you’re going; others will try to take you off of the right path. And when you do eventually make it back home –and you will- the celebration is grand.
Is it a perfect metaphor? No, of course not. But what it does is capture some of the reasons so many people are losing sleep. What if we used this momentary interruption of the monotony of life to infuse that hope into our lives, to be curious about our neighbors, to root for something good, and to look at our own paths home? Are you on the path that will get you home safely? What help do you need along the way? Is there a way you could be helpful on someone else’s path? And the thing I most like to ponder: what will the “coach” say to you when you do make it safely back home?


Finishing Last

October 27, 2013 / / 4 Comments

As the sun came up just after arriving.

Someone has to do it. All of the running blogs and articles tell you that you “most likely” will not finish last when you race. Well, this morning I went and ran a 3.59 mile trail run with only 45 other people. As soon as I saw how small the field was, how BIG the hills were, and the crazy people in shorts and pro running gear running up and down hills for a prerace warm-up I knew there was a very strong likelihood I could actually finish last.

My friend Jane and I started in the back of the pack. With every steep downhill I went back to elementary science and thought: What goes down must come back up. Man alive, the second half of the course was going to be BRUTAL! I kept pace with Jane for the first half of the run but then I needed to back off. My lungs were on fire and running up the hills was not going to happen. I ran on the flats and downhills (which were becoming fewer and farther between) and walked up the hills. But not once did I feel badly about my position. I knew I was pushing myself as hard as I could. The last thing I needed to do was go and have an asthma attack in the middle of the woods – and the whistling in my lungs warned that was a distinct possibility. There were 3 of us at the back of the pack. I could see Jane ahead of me and one other girl a little further ahead. I joked with the officials positioned around the course that “I was making sure everyone made it out of the woods safely.” I listened to my body and pushed it even when I thought I couldn’t but knew it was safe to try.
Starting line before we began. Notice the folks in shorts!

There have been a lot of articles recently about back of the pack runners questioning if we are committed or even “real runners.” It feels a little like the questions I fielded when I was a transitional deacon. To be honest, while it is a little frustrating to know that these elite runners feel the need to comment about what may or may not be motivating runners like me, I really don’t care all that much. I will never be competing for a first place medal – and that’s okay. I am competing only with myself. I am competing to be better than I was yesterday. I am competing to use the body God gifted me with. That’s all – and that should be enough. I am no threat to the elites and I see no reason why it’s become so important for some people in that high bracket of runners to discourage a new crop of runners who might never run a 3 hour marathon (or run a marathon at all!), but who are getting off the couch, making their lives healthier, and inspiring others to do the same.

As I trudged up the hill to the finish line this morning I laughed at myself as I repeated over and over in my head: “and the last shall be first.” I felt like I finished first as I looked down the hill and realized that I had done it. (I know that’s not what Jesus meant when he said it, but he doesn’t mind that I took the scripture out of context – I checked with him.) I don’t know my split times because my running app froze during the race – but that’s okay because I completed my goal: I finished.

You are a priest to me

October 12, 2013 / / 0 Comments

It is days like today – with interactions that stir the soul – that remind me what it is to be a priest. This morning I was scheduled to go get a mani/pedi since I’m going to a wedding tomorrow and *full disclosure* my feet look like hooves after all the abuse they’ve gotten from my running. It felt a little frivolous but I really just wanted a chance to relax and to feel pretty. I went in and a woman named Lynn took care of me. I was scattered when I arrived at the salon and chose 4 colors since I couldn’t make up my mind. I sat in the chair, apologized for my feet, and took a deep breath. Lynn quietly and gently got to work. I asked her name and about her family. She asked me about my family and about the event I was attending. I told her about my race on Monday and what a gift it was to be able to be pampered like this right now. The conversation naturally, and comfortably calmed to a silence and I closed my eyes.
Lynn gently and lovingly went about her work. I have never had a pedicure like this before. She was ministering to me in a really lovely way. I could feel the presence of God in her touch. It was eerily beautiful. When we moved over to the manicure station I asked Lynn more about her family and her life in Vietnam before she moved here. She told me that she always knew she wanted to do nails and hair and to “help women see themselves as beautiful.” She said she could have done other things but she loved seeing people smile when they feel pretty. She was describing a sense of call. I know that sense – I have it for my vocation as well.

My whole day presented these types of interactions with friends and strangers alike. These glimpses of holiness in the everyday. I spent the late afternoon making gluten free communion bread and the opportunity to help in that way while being able to be quiet and in solitude was a real gift.
Then this evening I went to get tea with a lovely friend. We talked about our respective lives and feelings. I was struck during our conversation with how easy it was to sit there with her and to palpably feel the Holy Spirit with us. I literally got goose bumps. Neither of us were putting on airs or trying to force anything. We were just present, as we are – trusting it was enough. As my friend spoke I could hear the Spirit in her words and I was moved to tears.
All day I have been struck by the fact that I am surrounded by priests. No, they are not necessarily ordained – but they are priests to me. In the circle of saints and the priesthood of all believers we all have the potential to affect sacramental change in the world. Every action and interaction has the potential for holiness when made with intention and care. Is this a theologically complex subject? Maybe. Do I believe it to be true? Absolutely. So thank you to all of you who have been or will be priests to me. You may not even know that you have given me this gift, but your goodness shines through you. I am grateful beyond words tonight for the gift of the priests in my midst.  

Called to celebrate

September 28, 2013 / / 0 Comments

Today I led a three hour training with our Godly Play teachers. We were discussing the pedagogy and theology of Godly Play storytelling. When a storyteller tells a Godly Play story he or she tells the story from memory and looks only at the storytelling props as she/he conveys the story that is written on his/her heart and tells it to the children. You can watch a Godly Play story by clicking here. As I watched Diana tell the story of the Good Shepherd to the teachers assembled it hit me: teaching Godly Play is akin to my celebration of the Eucharist. I told the teachers that the reason I do not look at the congregation when I celebrate is because the prayer is not about me. My role in that moment is to pray on behalf of the congregation. I look at the book even when I have the words memorized. I look at the chalice and paten – the bread and the wine – I only look at the congregation when inviting them to proclaim the mystery of faith, to say the Lord’s Prayer, to say the invitation, etc… because  the Eucharist prayer isn’t about me or them; it is about us and God. In that moment I told the teachers that I consider them to be celebrants of Godly Play as I am a celebrant at the table. It is a sacred space we enter to teach and we must center our hearts to be present at that moment. Today, during that training, I learned something more about being a priest that I have not yet learned. It was a humbling and inspiring afternoon as I realized that nine months into priesthood I still have “firsts” to experience. I hope that gift, the gift of seeing something familiar in a new way because of this calling, never ceases. I hope to always be in awe of this peculiar and wonderful life I am called to lead.

Running with a resurrection stone

September 28, 2013 / / 0 Comments

(Alternate blog title: Another example of how Harry Potter taught me everything I need to know in

life.)

I am learning that becoming a runner is a humbling process.
I chose to do the Team in Training with the Leukemia and Lymphoma society after my dad told me his cancer is worse again, and, the treatment we’ve gotten used to over the past 8 years isn’t working anymore. I was scared and frustrated and determined not to sit by and do nothing. When my dad was first diagnosed in 2005 I quit my amazing job in Little Rock and moved back to Massachusetts with no job to come home to. I did something – a leap of faith – and it led me to where I am now (A priest ministering to an amazing congregation in suburban Boston. Not a bad gig!) But this time around I wanted to do something that would affect more than just my family or me. That’s where raising funds and awareness for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society came in. Yes, I am bettering my own health in the process, but through that transformation I am contributing to research that might someday yield a cure.

So what does this have to do with the resurrection stone? In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we learn of 3 magical objects that, when united, make the holder a master over death: The Elder Wand (most powerful wand in the world,) The Invisibility Cloak (makes the wearer invisible to all – including death,) and The Resurrection Stone (a stone that can recall from death those closest to the person.) Read HP to learn the awesomeness of this tale. 🙂 Anyway – I’ve learned, as I drag myself out of bed each morning at 5:45AM to train that I need a LOT of motivation. I have a specific goal I am working towards and I have to push myself very hard if I am going to get there but some days that goal seems impossible. I am going it physically alone and that can be hard sometimes. I need Jillian Michaels to jump out of the bushes and yell at me. But since that isn’t going to happen – I carry my resurrection stone with me each day.
Each morning, my mom goes running with me. I can actually picture her running beside me willing me forward. She tells me she is proud of me and to keep going. (This image sometimes backfires and I start to laugh because she is always wearing one of her long jumpers like she’s ready for school and the absurdity just gets me.) My dad, who is very much alive and kicking, stands in my imagination just around the next corner waiting for me to get there. Several of the patients I treated during my time in child life cheer me on. The donor list for this venture runs through my head and I imagine seeing each of them along my route cheering me on. I could not get through my morning runs without these blessed souls. Each morning I use different levels of this visualization as I run, depending on how hard it is. I carry them with me in my heart, but I know that on race day I will have to drop my stone at the starting line trusting that these dear ones have given me all I need to travel the distance. Like Harry, I will have to enter the woods on my own.
This resurrection narrative naturally lends itself to the resurrection narrative of my faith. In the Harry Potter books, Rowling instructs the reader through Harry’s own learning, that the resurrection stone itself is dangerous because pulling those we love from death is not really life. Using magic to trick death into giving our loved ones back really only gives us the physical representation, a half-representation of that which we seek. This is why Christ had to come. Jesus came and defied death as only God could do. Jesus overcame death and the grave so entirely that we are able to rest in the certainty that our loved ones who go before us go “into paradise [where] the angels lead [them.]”  It is with that certainty I don my collar each day to speak the truth of Christ’s love in this world. I don’t believe in the deathly hallows or in magic stones that raise the dead; but I do believe in wonder and imagination and creativity that allow us to navigate this miraculous world created by our One true redeemer and advocate.
A few weeks ago I saw a ring in my friend’s etsy shop that reminded me of the resurrection stone. Finally I went ahead and purchased it. It arrived in the mail today. When I look at that ring on my finger, when I feel it there, I think of all of you and those who have gone before me and I remember that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I wear this ring and visualize the rock rolled away from the tomb and the angels regaling “He is not here; He has been raised.” This simple stone from my favorite beach is a talisman against doubt and fear. It is a reminder of Christ who lived and died for all of us. It is a prayer stone from the place I go to meet God when I am home (and where my mother met God so very often.) I know I don’t need the resurrection stone to call to my side support each day, I am blessed beyond measure: but for right now, it is a great comfort. 

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

September 1, 2013 / / 0 Comments
Tune in to see who the 3 lucky winners of my Team in Training donor raffle! 

Thanks to all 26 individuals and families who have GENEROUSLY donated so far! There is still time! If you would like to donate please go to this link.

If you or someone you love has or has ever had Myeloma, Leukemia, or Lymphoma please send me their name through either the comments below or in an email. I will be writing all of their names on my racing singlet to carry them with me on October 14th!!!

So much love!

Learning to Run: Life and 10Ks

August 5, 2013 / / 0 Comments

On many occasions I have tried to be a runner. The first time was when I transitioned from 8th grade into high school and I wanted to play on the field hockey team. (I played in middle school and really enjoyed it.)  To play on any of the high school sports teams you had to be able to run the mile loop around the playing fields every day before practice. I could not do that. To make matters worse, I was so far from being an athlete I didn’t even really know how to ask anyone to help me. One of my teachers told me to practice over the summer. Run from one telephone pole to the next and then walk the next length and vice versa until I could run a mile. Sounds simple, but for a chubby middle schooler who looks kind of like a spastic Fraggle when running, it was not simple. It felt impossible. I kept at it on and off for a month and then I decided I couldn’t play high school sports. 
Fast forward to 32-year-old Audrey deciding to run a 10K for cancer.  Yeah, crazy pants! Well, this morning I went out for another practice run. I’m just starting week 3 of my couch to 10K program and I was not looking forward to this run at all. You see – week 2 did not go so well. I was not able to complete all of my runs during any of my training sessions during week 2. I either had to stop running early or skip a running segment entirely during each of the training runs week 2.
For those not familiar with Couch to 10K programs let me offer an explanation:
Couch to 10K (C210K) is an app I downloaded to my phone that is effectively a stopwatch with a trainer’s voice attached. I plug my earphones into my phone and listen to the greatest playlist of all time (click here to see aforementioned playlist) and the app tells me when to: warm up, run, walk, or cool down. When you first start C210K you walk for a few minutes and then run for one minute and then walk again and then run again… each week your runs get longer and your walks, obviously, become fewer. The idea is that the trainer helps you build up to running for distance. It is a 12-week program.
Okay, continuing on:
This morning I was taking my first run since last Tuesday. (You are supposed to run every other day.) Yep, almost a week off! I brought my running shoes with me on my camping trip but after taking 2 days off to recover from soreness the rain set in and running in the mud while camping with 3 small children was not seeming like a good plan. When I got home on Sunday I planned to go out and run but my hip had been killing me so my wise friend, Missy, told me that Jesus thought it was okay for me to take my last day of vacation off. I spent the day relaxing and recovering from the camping trip. (And I searched online for some good hip stretches.) I felt guilty not running on Sunday, but I knew Missy was right.
This morning I went out to run week 3 day 1. I gave myself permission not to time my pace or to hold myself to any standard aside from simply completing the time prescribed. The run segments increased by a full minute this week. That means that even though I couldn’t finish all my 2-minute runs last week, this week I was going to be asked to run for 3 full minutes at a time. While this sounds easy to many of you, it isn’t for me. Three weeks ago when I started this adventure I could barely complete all of the one-minute runs. This morning when I ran my form was better than it has been, my breathing was more focused, and somehow when I checked to see how much longer my run was I saw that I had completed the whole 3 minutes of the first interval! This continued for each running segment. On the last running interval I huffed and puffed but I got through it. I nearly cried when I realized that I did the whole workout without stopping. I am a beast!
When I got home to dress for my first day back at work I realized something. This week off from running only to come back and have my best training session yet is a parallel of the month of vacation I’m returning from today. At the beginning of July I felt like it was crazy to take a full month off. Sure I was feeling burned out and depleted, but taking a full month off with no plans seemed like such waste of valuable time. But as I’ve returned to the office today I realize that my stress level is markedly decreased, my productivity today has been off the charts, and my general joy about my call is revived. Without allowing my soul this time to recover and renew I couldn’t do the work I am doing right now – just as I couldn’t have run (pain free, I might add) with the form and energy I had this morning if I hadn’t listened to my body and rested it. In life and in races we have to push ourselves to be better but we also have to pay attention and realize that sometimes the most important push we can make is to push away the guilt so we can rest, recover, and renew.
I am grateful to my colleagues and parish for making it possible to take this time away to regain my focus and rediscover my light. I am grateful for the strength it took to listen to my body and to rest it enough to run a smarter race. And I am grateful to God that I’ve gotten over my ego enough to realize that running like a spastic Fraggle can be a beautiful thing.

The Art of Saying Yes

July 17, 2013 / / 0 Comments

This is what saying yes to a walk in the sun looks like.

I am really good at saying, “yes.”
As in:
“Yes, I am happy to help you with that project you are a month late starting and is due tomorrow.”
“Yes, I can drive your children to Nebraska on Friday.”
“Yes, I would be thrilled to taste test your meals to ensure there is no poison in them.”
I exaggerate, but what I mean is that I actually have a history of being really terrible at saying “yes.” “Yes” is an art form. “Yes” requires the ability to weigh pros and cons in BOTH the lives of those asking and in your own. “Yes” when doled out too liberally leads to exhaustion on one end of the spectrum and crabbiness and lashing out at others on the other end. I’ve been working for quite some time on becoming better at saying, “no.” I thought this work meant that there was greater strength in the word “no” than in the word “yes.” What I’ve discovered, though, is that saying “no” appropriately gives strength back to the word, “Yes.” Saying yes in these instances goes from being draining to being affirming. When your “yesses” are balanced they are an opportunity to improve your life, and maybe even the lives of others.
Last night at Beer and Bible we were discussing the Gospel narrative of Martha and Mary. (Luke 10:38-42)  Some of the conversation turned toward who chose the “easier” route in that story. Martha was bustling around preparing food and tidying up for their visitors. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet to listen. There are, obviously, cultural and historical elements at play but there is also the decision to say yes showing here. Mary said, “no,” to many of the traditional responsibilities choosing instead to take advantage of the opportunity to learn from and be in fellowship with her friend and teacher, Jesus. This doesn’t mean that Mary is a better person than Martha; rather, in this instance, Mary is prioritizing something that will feed her soul. We talked about the way that Martha “brings Jesus’ rebuke upon herself,” because Martha goes to Jesus to tattle. If Martha were happy going about her tasks this interaction wouldn’t have happened. Sometimes we have to say “no” to the things that will deplete us in  order to have the energy we need to say “yes” to the things that will feed us. Sometimes we just need to say, “not yet” to the things that are necessary but not urgent to take advantage of a passing opportunity. Martha was doing work that may have been necessary, but Jesus was reminding her that it was not urgent.
I am not entirely rehabbed from my “yes/no imbalance disorder” but my recovery is going well. I am using this vacation as an opportunity to practice the art of saying “yes” in my personal life. Today I said yes to something very important to me. I’ve been contemplating participating in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training for the past several years. Each time I’ve thought about it I’ve come up with a reason to say “no.” Those “No”s came from a place of a place of fear. They came from a place of unbalanced priorities. So today I said, “yes!” I am thrilled that I will be training to run in Tufts 10K on October 14th. That doesn’t mean I’m not afraid. I’m terrified. I’ve committed myself to getting into the best shape of my life and running 6.2 miles 3 months from now! I will need all of your help. And I will need to say “yes” to many more things to make this possible. I hope you will visit my personal event page where you can learn more about that decision, about the Team in Training, and about my fundraising for a foundation aiming to rid the world of the cancers that took my mother’s life and that my dad fights each day. (It’s like 2 blog posts for the price of 1!) 
What could you say “yes” to that would make your life better right now?

broken and blessed

June 19, 2013 / / 0 Comments

Take, Bless, Break, Give. That is the order of the Eucharist. Each week when we pray around the table we pray through the taking, blessing, breaking, and giving of Christ’s body. We watch as ordinary bread is transformed into our sacramental feast. This week, more than usual, I am cognizant of my own nature as a human being who is simultaneously blessed and broken. Living in that dissonance is an invitation into the heart of God and I feel drawn into the discord. My prayers are focused on figuring out how to take my broken, blessed self, shake the dust from my shoes, and walk forward in faithful humility to give what I can and absorb what I need. I am reminded that Christ walked this road before and because of that miraculous fact there really isn’t anything I can feel or experience that will surprise God. Pain, joy, hope, despair, love – all are experiences that God understands deeply and can walk through with each of us. So for today, I choose to fully expose both my brokenness and my blessedness. Today I choose to shine, not in spite of my brokenness, but rather because of the fractures in the crystal of my heart. Those fractures create the rainbows. In the words of Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  



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