being still in God's big world

Category: 2013 (Page 3 of 3)

ר֫וּחַ

My lenten discipline has been a challenge at best. I promised myself that I will leave my apartment, once a week, for a non-work-related experience where I could potentially make friends. I will do this on my own so I am forced to talk to new people. I have failed at this. Each week comes and goes and I find a reason why staying home is preferable. (I am a homebody… I can’t help it.)

So, a few weeks ago I bought a ticket to what I thought was an Irish fiddling concert at my favorite local Irish pub. Good frugal New Englander than I am, I knew if I spent $27 I wasn’t about to bail on it!!! So I spent the money on a single, will-call ticket and let it be. Little did I know: this was to be the longest week of my priesthood thus far. I left work tired — bone tired. The kind of tired one is when she would rather hibernate for a season than go to a pub and pretend to be extroverted. But I still went…

I arrived to discover that this Irish pub reserved my ticket under a misspelled, Brit-ruined, no O nor apostrophe version of my name… strike one. Then I learned the show was not a fiddle concert it was a play about fiddlers… strike two! Finally, the show started and I saw that only one man, in the band, played the fiddle! The actors were badly pantomiming to his playing. I tried to like the play, but I just couldn’t. It wasn’t at all what I’d hoped for. Feeling sad and dejected I paid my tab and walked into the bitter cold night during intermission. As I walked towards my car, trying to convince myself that just going out was a success, I ran into a lost woman about my age. She asked for directions to a particular bus only for me to tell her that she was walking in the wrong direction. I felt so bad: it is freezing cold with a bitter wind tonight, and this poor girl who I assumed was from away, was set to walk home.

In that moment I took a chance we are told not to take in this day and age: I asked, “Would you like a ride?” We both laughed. I explained that I was just heading home to walk my dog and I really didn’t mind. She laughed and contemplated this abnormal offer and finally said, “You don’t seem crazy.”I assured her I wasn’t crazy and off we went to my car. I told her that I am a priest to which she replied that she is Jewish. We had a good, comical conversation spurred on by the fact that neither of us have been in such a situation before. I drove her to her friend’s house and learned that she is, in fact, visiting town. We laughed and smiled. She offered a hug when I dropped her off. I drove home with a huge smile across my face. Our interaction was healing and Spirit filled.

When I left the pub I felt like a failure. I felt like I shouldn’t bother trying to meet new folks because it always seems to be a comedy of errors (did I mention the creepy man who kept trying to get my number until he asked what I do for a living?) But on the sidewalk, a chance interaction, redeemed the night. Ruach is present all around us… we must simply be open to Her fanciful dance.

tripping into Lent

I’ve never been especially graceful when it comes to Lent. My friend Melanie posted something about her challenges with it and I felt joined for the first time in my Lenten wrestling match. I love Lent – it is my favorite liturgical season – but that doesn’t make me “good at it.”I often think about what I’d like to do for Lent in advance only to discover that I was asking myself what I want to do rather than asking myself what will actually benefit my prayer life. Other times, I think something will benefit my prayer life only to discover that it distracts from my prayer. On really off years, I suffer a complete mental paralysis that makes it impossible to enter fully into Lent. 

What is truly remarkable about this struggle to enter a Holy Lent in a graceful way is that the lack of grace improves my prayer life ten-fold which, in a backwards way, achieves the desired purpose. Each Lent I find myself repenting of my chaotic interior which distracts me from God so much of the time. In that repentance I am confessing and relying upon God for a major stumbling block in my life. 

It is my lack of personal grace that helps me reflect upon and marvel at the divine Grace given to us all. 

So, I suppose that means my Lenten discipline is coming to terms with the fact that I am an organizational hot mess a lot of the time. I have good intentions and I try harder than I should have to and still come up short. In essence, I am human. Coming to grips with our humanity is the soul of Lent. It is Jesus’ humanity that was tried by the devil in the wilderness. I’ve been asked by a few people just this week why Jesus didn’t just do what the devil was asking and then go all “God of the universe” on the devil to win the temptations. When we ask that it is because we are forgetting Jesus’ human nature. As Phillippians 2:5-8 tells us: “Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form,  he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.” 

I want to pay closer attention this Lent. I find the Ignatian Examen helps me with this practice, but there are many ways we can focus on how our lives intersect with the divine. Whatever you do this Lent know that if you are stumbling in the dance, you are not alone.

steep in the wonder of God

Sermon for Ash Wednesday 2013 preached at the Parish of the Epiphany. The audio link can be found here. (I like the audio better on this one. Added a lot as I was going.) Scripture references are: Matthew 6:1-6,16-21 and Psalm 103.
On February 6th and 7th 1978 a monster blizzard rocked the northeastern United States dropping over 30 inches of snow and paralyzing the region for days. When the morning of the forecasted storm dawned with no snow people thought the meteorologists had once again gotten the forecast wrong and they went about their day. People went to work and school, thousands of people filled the Boston Garden for a Bruins game and Monday, February 6th seemed to be just like any other day. But people soon learned that it was not like any other day. Hundreds of cars were abandoned in roadways because the snow came so quickly. Plow trucks were overwhelmed and likewise had to be abandoned. Hundreds of hockey fans camped out in the Garden for days because they couldn’t get home. Everyone has a story about where they were when the blizzard hit because it was a once in a lifetime storm. Life came to a screeching halt because there was no other choice: All of New England was frozen in time.
Life happens at a sprint much of the time. We have places to go, people to see, and not enough time for any of it. Even when we’re relaxing we’re often doing so with one eye on the clock to make sure we get back to work on whatever it is that’s so important at the precise moment we need to. Lent is our invitation to intentionally throw 2 feet of snow on the ground and dig in our heels to walk a little more slowly for forty days. Lent is my favorite season of the church year.
I love Lent for its quiet simplicity: For the permission it gives us to slow down and take some time for introspection. I love the counter-cultural way that Lent seeps into our lives and forces a push and pull between what society says should be important and what God wants from us. Lent is an opportunity to live in the liminal space between the bustle of our earthly lives and the unknown awe of our eternal lives to come. Lent is one of the thin places.
Each year on Ash Wednesday I get a sense of solemn giddiness: for the next forty days we have permission to live in stillness with God: To live in the in-between. This is not to say that Lent is an easy time: as a penitential season, Lent calls us to examine our sins and all of the things that separate us from God and to repent of them. Lent marks the forty days of Jesus’ trials in the wilderness. Lent is a 40-day march to the cross in Jerusalem. As our collect of the day reminds us, Ash Wednesday invites us into the process of creating a new heart in Christ. It sounds like a painful and personal process, and it is.
It seems so odd in light of the gospel that we still go ahead and mark out foreheads on this day. Jesus plainly tells us that we must not be like the hypocrites who mourn and disfigure their faces in public, we should keep up appearances. Why then do we insist each year on marking our foreheads which a smudge of ash before resuming our normal daily activities?  Therein lies the problem: the part about resuming our daily activities. Ash Wednesday is our invitation to something different -to do something more. Ash Wednesday is an invitation out of our daily lives and into a time of self-examination and inventory. This is where the tradition of “giving something up” or taking on a spiritual discipline comes in. It’s not an invitation to spiritualize our weight loss goals – nor is it the six-week reminder to start back in on our New Year’s resolutions that we’ve already forgotten. It is our opportunity to dig deep and ask ourselves what is missing from my life that will help me every day, every moment, to be closer to God? Or, asked differently, what is it that is blocking my march to Jerusalem with Christ?
This is where we look to our Psalm for this today. Lent isn’t about self-flagellation. It isn’t about one-upping the discipline we did last year. It isn’t about whose discipline is the most taxing. Lent is about recognizing and returning blessing. And the only way we can do that is to acknowledge our true nature, repent of the things that have distracted us, and give praise to the God who loves us through the whole process: from cradle to grave – From dust to dust.
In our day-to-day lives, how many of us truly take time out to sing our blessings to God? In our day-to-day routine, how many times do we stop beating ourselves up for the things we perceive we’ve fallen short on long enough to feel the mercy and loving-kindness that God is constantly sending out to us? How many times do we refuse to relinquish our perceived control and to give our dilemmas up to God before we are at the end of our ropes? That is why we go into the wilderness for 40 days. We go into the wilderness with Christ not to prove our piety or to “out Christian” the next person – we go into the wilderness because it is exhausting to keep pretending that we have everything completely under control.
So, if this is the case – that we aren’t participating in these Lenten practices for other people – then why do we mark our foreheads with ash when it seems so obvious that Jesus has warned us against these outward signs of our piety?
We do it as a reminder to ourselves. When our foreheads are marked we are told “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” —We are dust— What a sobering and freeing thought. All of this racing around trying to stay on top of all of our obligations seems pretty irrelevant when we consider that we are dust. Not that we weredust…. we ARE dust … we were, we are, and we ever shall be dust. 
When we stop and take a moment to really remember that we are dust, all of the other distractions seem to go away. That vital meeting that we need to prepare for, the report that was due last week, whatever it is… is it really that important? 
A few years ago at my childhood church they were putting the finishing touches on the column barium and memorial garden that had been years in the making. The last piece was an 8-foot high Celtic cross carved from limestone that was to be mounted on a pillar in the center of the space. When the planning committee contacted the artisan who was to carve the cross they asked if he would be willing to intentionally make a small mistake in the knot work. Traditional Celtic knots always include a mistake as an acknowledgement that God is the only true perfection. Making a mistake in the knot is recognizing our utter dependence on God because of our imperfect nature.  The artist refused at first. After some coaxing, he agreed to carve the mistake only if the cross was mounted with the mistake facing the forest so that people examining pictures of his portfolio would not see it.  On that spring afternoon as the crane lowered the heavy cross into place the head of the planning committee changed her mind. She stopped the crane operator and had him turn the cross around so that the mistake was facing forward. She wrote a note to the artist explaining what she had done and the theological reasoning behind it. You see, we must not be ashamed of our brokenness and imperfections because it is through that brokenness we find the strength to rely upon God. 
Sometimes we move so quickly and, like those in the gospel passage, tout our piety because we want to hide our brokenness – even from ourselves. Today is a day when we stop, midair, and turn to face God with our mistakes and our brokenness as a mark on our foreheads to remind us that God is the only perfection and through our brokenness we will find the strength to rely on God.
The funny thing is, I studied that cross on numerous occasions and could never find the mistake. A fellow parishioner had to point it out. Just one small spot in the corner where the pattern should have gone over, under, over and instead went over, over, under. Tiny.
This past weekend we had a storm that the news stations were comparing to the fated Blizzard of ’78. They compared the wind speed, expected snowfall, temperature, and many other factors. But somehow, two days after the storm most of us had returned to work. Heck, 180 of you were in church on Sunday morning. We barely missed a beat because technology coupled with city infrastructure has the capacity to cope with these types of storms in a way we simply couldn’t 35 years ago. But, don’t you think it could have been a good thing to have an excuse for another day or two to slow down? I saw several people posting online that they were grateful for the excuse to sit home in front of the fire reading books, talking with family members, and gratefully blaming the governor’s travel ban for their inability to attend to their duties. But with lightening quick efficiency we are back running nearly at full steam. Today we have an invitation that isn’t physically limiting like a blizzard, but it can be even more powerful a force if we let it. Today, God is inviting us to sit down for a while. Will you accept the invitation? 

choices

One of my favorite bible studies that I reengage in quite frequently asks the question: “Did Mary have a choice?” The angel Gabriel comes and tells Mary not to be afraid that he brings tiding of joy. Gabriel tells Mary that she is favoured by God and will bear a Son who will be God’s own child. Some feminist scholars criticize the Magnificat (Luke 1:46-55) for making Mary out to be too passive about what has been done to her. Some claim that Mary never had a choice in the matter so the Magnificat becomes another instance of female submission to a patriarchal influence. I’ve struggled with this question of Free Will versus submission especially over the past 6 years or so as I’ve formally discerned and have been subsequently ordained to the priesthood. (I am a priest… that’s just crazy.)
I wrestled with God a lot as I decided whether or not I wanted to follow this call I heard so clearly. Priesthood wasn’t the life I’d planned for myself so it took some convincing. I think this is why Mary’s nearly instantaneous conversion is so hard for me sometimes. She was a young teen planning to wed the village carpenter. If I think priesthood rocked my plans, what would Immaculate Conception do to them? As I wrestled more with my own call I’ve found comfort and companionship from other women whose plans haven’t always gone as they hoped but found the strength to follow and see for themselves the amazing journey God had waiting for them just on the other side of ordinary.
Miriam put Moses in the river and later led the Israelites in their dance of freedom. Esther married the king and played double agent to rescue her father and deliver her people. Elizabeth remained faithful through all of life’s struggles until the child in her womb elicited a mirthful laugh. But of all the women who’ve walked with me toward this priesthood it is Ruth who has held my heart most closely.
Naomi was a Jewish woman who, with her husband and two sons, moved to Moab during the famine. Naomi’s sons married Moabite women, Orpah and Ruth. After a time all three of the men died leaving their wives as widows. Being a widow in this time in history was a socially difficult position. Naomi told Orpah and Ruth that she was going to return to Bethlehem and that the two women were free to return to their own people. Orpah returned to her family in Moab; but Ruth refused to go. Ruth made a very difficult and isolating choice saying, “Do not press me to leave you
or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God.” (Ruth 1:16) Ruth’s speech to Naomi is where our Christian wedding vows get the phrase “until we are parted by death.” (Ruth 1:17) Ruth leaves behind everything she knows to follow Naomi and chooses to be united with God when an easier road was clearly offered to her.
When I was in seminary and having a difficult time a family member pressed me, “You don’t have to do this; you could quit and go back to being a child life specialist.” But my answer was always the same, “I can’t quit; I do have to do this.” It is a very difficult thing for folks to understand – yes, I have a choice but I really do have to do this – even when it is hard. The truth is: when you’ve clearly heard the call of God and know beyond the shadow of a doubt what you are supposed to do with your life it doesn’t matter if there are days that try you – you do what you have to do because following God is the deepest desire of your heart, even if following God leads you down a path that is completely apart from the path you thought you’d be on. 
“Here I Am” by Margaret Adams Parker 

Two nights ago I was blown away, once again, by the generosity of my parish. For the past 3 years I have been in love with a wood cut by the artist, Peggy Parker. In a random conversation with the warden of our church I mentioned it and she remembered. As a gift for my ordination they bought me that woodcut for my office. I was in shock. As I accepted the gift I did a very lousy job in my sinus congested, Sudafed haze of explaining the significance of the work. As my internal sensor worked a bit too quickly to think of what to say through the shock and haze I told them it was an image of Ruth – when the artist’s intention is actually that it is an image of Mary at the annunciation. What I meant to say was that through the many times I meditated on the image over the past three years she has become all of the different biblical women who’ve accompanied me on this journey toward my call – most recently, she’s been Ruth.
I love this depiction of the Theotokos because her face looks afraid and overwhelmed while her hands are stretched forth –relaxed and open – willing to serve. In this depiction of Mary we see the fear that seems missing in Luke’s poetic narrative. In this depiction of Mary I can see myself. As I’ve stared at her on my office wall I can see the strength and resolve of all of the woman who came before her and all of us who have come since who strive to answer God’s call for us – and it makes sense that we should all see our reflection in the face of Mother Mary because in a way, she is mother to us all. In bearing the Son of God Mary gives birth to the creator of the world and her humanity in that miraculous act immediately unites her with every women across all time. Mary is Miriam, Esther, Ruth, Elizabeth, Shifrah, Puah, Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc, Barbara Harris, and yes, maybe even you and me. Please don’t misunderstand me – or report me to the blasphemy police – I am not claiming that anyone else, myself least of all, has done anything like bearing God’s self into the world. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t one in the same: our shared femininity and the strength born out of our faith unites all of us across time and space.
So no, I didn’t have a choice; and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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